Still Feeling Defensive...

So, just when I thought I was on the verge of determining a defense date, my advisor finally chimes in with her overdue comments on my chapter. She informs me that the defense will have to be pushed back by a couple weeks. This means I have to email the committee all over again and find another date we all agree on for the defense. That, and one difficult committee member is asking for extra time to review the dissertation. Not to mention an impending due date to submit my final dissertation in order to graduate in December.

 

But, I'm going to try staying ahead of the game as best I can. Over-preparing is my usual approach to stress. To this day, I still have never pulled an all-nighter!

 

However, I do foresee that things will be a bit more frenzied and stressful in the next month.

 

Feeling Defensive

Well, today I have proposed to my academic advisor a date for my dissertation defense. It took about 3 weeks to hear back from the entire committee regarding their availability, and only a couple of dates seem to overlap. Maybe it'll work out just fine. ANGST!

 

Part of me wonders if the end of October is too early. That's only 6 weeks away! That means getting a draft of my dissertation to my committee in the next 3 weeks. Is that possible?

 

Ack!

 

 

Dissertation Haiku

Here's my dissertation in Haiku:

Trauma Scrapbooking

How Do You Tell Your Story?

By Embellishing

There's something especially satisfying about boiling my project down to its most basic syllables.

Sorry, Trees

I did it! Yesterday I printed a rough draft of the ENTIRE dissertation, including the front matter (such as foreward and the dedication - to my parents). I couldn't help but marvel at the sheer girth of the document.

 

And I printed it single spaced.

 

To save the trees. Poor trees.

 

I can't help it that I'm old-school and have to see my manuscript in print so that I can make sense of it. It's the only tangible way for me to get the big picture, which is essentially contained within a 200+ page document.

 

Someone I know who graduated and who felt terribly guilty about all the trees she maimed or killed while writing (and ostensibly printing) her dissertation decided to donate money to one of those plant-a-tree organizations.

 

I vow to do that as well. It's the least I can do to thank the trees for their donation to my cause.

Angst over Concluding

Why is the dissertation conclusion so difficult to write? I am seriously stalled out. I've written FIVE chapters, close to 200 pages of well-researched, academic jargon that means virtually nothing to anyone else but me and the 5 professors on my dissertation committee.

So, why the faltering now?

Perhaps because I have a lot of other things going on. Packing, moving. Job applications, job interviews. Watching the fourth exciting season of Angel. I know, I'm behind the eight ball on that one.

It's been a challenge keeping one foot in the dissertation door, and the other on the way out into the "real" world.

It may also be self-sabotage. If I write the conclusion, won't I be finished?

And that means I do have to go out into the world and be an adult again.

Pooh.

Just signed up for creating a blog post through email. Excellent. I'm lazy, so the less I have to do, the better.

 

 

The Phinish Line

If it weren't for the amazing folks (or 'pholks') over at the Phinished website, I would not have experienced the level of productivity I have in the past several months (of not posting!). I have completed several chapters of my dissertation. In fact, I'm writing the conclusion as we speak.

I still have no idea what I'm doing, and it feels somewhat presumptuous to be writing 6 chapters of content from my imagination, but oh well.

Over the past few months, I've been following with satisfaction and relief several threads on the Phinished site, some of which ring so true to my experience. This website is a wonderful warehouse of ideas, survival tips, and resources for people trying to finish their masters or doctoral theses. You can chat live with fellow writers, make pacts regarding what you want to accomplish and when, etc. It's greatly alleviated the isolation of dissertating for me.

One person on Phinished recently bemoaned the fact that her (dissertation) writing isn't as good or original or as fresh as it was when she started grad school and wrote cohesive, sharp seminar papers (boy, can I relate to her!). This started a thread of people talking about how the process tends to beat you down. One person (whose thoughts often mirror my own) said:

1) Grad school has been very isolating, demoralizing experience for me.

2) I have become very self-conscious and I am constantly checking my thinking and reasoning against some higher standards (academic advisor? committee? that paper in Nature?).

3) I am afraid to speak for fear of sounding stupid... and i[t] looks as if I am also afraid to think - because every thought brings about a whirlwind of self-doubt followed by a paper-reading binge - none of which is conducive to original thinking or writing...

Ugh. It's like a broken record. I hear this over and over. Sometimes adding my own frustratrations and angsty refrain to the crowd.

I'm struck by how so many of my own personal obstacles were present before grad school; the process has just managed to bring them to the fore and/or exacerbate them.

I was angsty before, and now I'm just more (and perhaps now justifiably?) angsty.

The positive side is that grad school has also brought out all kinds of my strengths, too.